Fnaf 4: Why you should buy
by The Infamous Fly
Summary: Are you unsure about buying the final game in the series? Well, sit right down and let our spokespeople (spokesanimals? spokesanimatronics?) explain...WHY YOU SHOULD BUY! RATED T for Language, vivid sexual implications, and mentions of Gore.


**Chapter 1:**

 **01 - I: The First of the Firstning**

* * *

The curtains rise, revealing a dusty stage covered in the crisscrossing shadows of unseen spirits. Freddy Fazbear stomped onto center stage and raised his broken mike to his mouth. Tapping it lightly, he tested it, and an audience member from off camera insisted he "Get on with it!"

Frowning, he faced the man and spoke in the sassiest manner possible. "Alright, alright don't get your knickers in a knot!"

Just as he was about to begin Chica ran out and grabbed him by the neck, "YOU FOOL!"

She started to strangle him, despite it being one of the most useless forms of attack that could be used on a machine.

Freddy raised his arms in defense and gave her a confused look as he spoke like a toddler. "Whad I do, whad I do?"

The robotic chicken covered her face with a hand and spoke through gritted plastic teeth. "You mentioned knickers…now the story will have to be rated K+…"

Freddy rolled his eyes, "Oh let The Author worry about that stuff. He's the jerk who wrote this cra-"

A lightning bolt streaked out of the ceiling and vaporized the defiant bear. Stunned, Chica was left staring wide-eyed at a pile of ashes. She glanced around in search of the cause for this otherworldly phenomena before shrugging and returning backstage. The moment she was out of view, Bonnie bolted onto center stage and picked up the microphone.

He gave the audience a goofy smile and was about to start his witty commentary when Chica called out to him. "Good luck Bon-Bon!"

The enthusiastic rabbit frowned, and his head turned 360 degrees so that he could give Chica a horrifying stare. She remained unimpressed.

Returning his head to its original position, Bonnie began to speak in an over-confident manner. "Finally, it's BONNIE'S TIME TO SHINE! The most personality I've ever gotten from this brain-dead series was when I lost my face! BUT NOW…" He glanced at the ashes of his former leader and grew a psycho smile. "Now…THE SHOW IS MINE! After this next game…it's gonna be Five Nights at Bonnie's from NOW ON!"

Shadow Bonnie appeared beside him, **"Actually, this one is the last!"**

The phantom gave a trollish smile before disappearing to Satan knows where, leaving Bonnie to glare at where he'd vanished.

The rabbit animatronic to get on with the story because The Author was running out of jokes and this fic was far too shoddily made. "Welcome everyone, to the "FNAF 4: The Final Chapter" conference, where we mock and mangle all you were hoping to LOVE!"

A scraggly voice filled the air, and Bonnie jumped aside as The Mangle landed beside him and began speaking in a distorted nightmare voice. _"Ay, wAs yE' taLkiNg abOut me?"_

Bonnie cleared his throat, and averted his eyes (Mangle would have been considered a nudist in Animatronica). "Well umm, that is…we were sort of-"

The Mangle stood and interrupted. _"TeLl theSe mouTh-BreAthin BOZO's thAt I. AM NOT. A GAL!"_

Bonnie chuckled nervously, and put on his best salesman voice. "That's okay Mangle, I know how you feel…but don't worry! This newest game promises to explain why you have a soul and the other toy animatronics' didn't!"

He made an obscured gesture and watched as a huge computer screen lowered from the ceiling and displayed a list of queries. "That as well as questions such as…"

 ** _"Why does Balloon boy exist? I don't mean lore-wise, I mean why does he even exist gameplay wise…he's a piece of_** strawberry birthday cake that I love and want to hug. ** _" Why does the purple man look different in different mini-games? Why has no one considered the possibility of multiple murders? Who are Shadow Bonnie and Shadow Freddy, and what purpose do they serve? How the hell did the Crying Child ever possess The Puppet if he wasn't stuffed into it? Will this game only bring up more questions? If so, is there any way off of this_** heckish **_treadmill? How was any of this level of robotics available in the 80's? I suppose possessed robots override Asimov's third robotic law? Why the heck would manufacturers listen to a science fiction writer? How and why did the animatronics show Jeremy's dead spirit their memories in arcade game style? I mean, if I could pick any style, I would go for something flashy, with s_** i ** _x, violence, and dr_** agoons ** _, ya' know, JUST LIKE THE EIGHTIES! WHAT THE HELL IS THE MOVIE GONNA SHOW US THAT WE HAVEN'T ALREADY SEEN?_**

 ** _And, most importantly…Will Geoffrey Rush play Foxy? (A whole bushel of cupcakes anyone?)_**

At the bottom of the message was a little annotation, titling that it had been edited by "Chica 'How could you ever think I was a duck' the Chicken."

Bonnie glanced at the list and almost fainted. "Well, umm, er, that was a lot more than expected…we…we'll just get rid of that…" He pressed a button on the microphone and watched the list rise with a protesting Mangle aboard. "And if you think that's the only reason to buy our game…THEN THINK AGAIN!" He stepped aside and watched as Nightmare Freddy attacked the screen like the fopdoodle he is.

"Scary stuff huh? Well, I guess jump scares don't translate well into text…but you get the idea!"

Nightmare Bonnie jumped at the screen as well.

"If you thought that Scott couldn't make animatronics _even MORE ridiculously creepy looking,_ THAN THINK AGAIN!"

Both jumpscares attacked the screen at the same time, causing the robots (or hallucination-ghost-zombie-robot thingies) to collide and explode.

Bonnie coughed and stepped away from the explosion. "Well *cough* we certainly won't have any of THAT."

The audience went "Awww…" and Bonnie's eyes widened.

"But don't you want to hear about the tedious and repetitive gameplay you'll slog through so that you can play fifteen-second mini-games that you could see on YouTube that you won't understand, but can go "OHHHH, NOW I UNDERSTAND…" when the inevitable Game Theory video on it comes out?"

The unimpressed audience began throwing pieces of pizza and ridiculously large soda cups at him, causing the robotic bunny to stumble back.

Bonnie raised his hands to protect himself. "OKAY, OKAY, we'll put in more explosions!"

They quieted, and waited for his demonstration. Opening his eyes and blinking rapidly, the rabbit pressed a button on his mike and watched as explosions surrounded the stage.

The audience clapped and Bonnie smiled.

"So…you like that huh?"

They all nodded.

Smiling wider, he hit another button, and a man ran out of the curtains, handing Bonnie a semi-automatic. "Well, in the new game, you'll be able to shoot animatronics with this machine gun!"

He fired it at the ceiling, and the audience gave uproarious clapping, even after bits of the ceiling fell onto a small child and caused him to cry out.

"So you liked this kinda stuff?" They nodded and he gained a new demeanor. "Are you tired of being afraid, you won't be alone…YOU'LL HAVE A WISECRACKIN' BLACK SIDEKICK WITH YOU!"

An African-American dude walked out on stage and waved at the audience. Bonnie frowned when the man made a stereotypical black guy joke and everyone laughed.

Jealous of the attention, he spoke while aiming his semi at the man. "Okay, that's enough…"

Snapping his fingers, Bonnie smiled as Goldie appeared right behind the man, and disappeared with the man before he could even finish another gag.

He pressed another button and Foxy was raised out of the stage. "Not to mention that…in the new game…FOXY WILL HAVE AN ENGLISH ACCENT!"

Foxy scratched his head with his hook and frowned. He cocked his head as he questioned this. _"But they've never heard my voice…I mean besides my humming…why would they want my voice to be English anyway?"_

Bonnie looked smug, and was about to answer, before realizing that he too was ignorant as to the reason. "Uh…Can someone answer that?"

Balloon Boy materialized beside him, and handed him a small piece of folded paper.

The robotic rabbit unfolded it hesitantly, and his eyes nearly popped out of his metal skull when he finished reading it.

"PEOPLE FIND HIM HOT? THAT'S ALMOST AS BAD AS FINDING A CHILD KILLER HOT!" Bonnie yelled.

Balloon Boy averted his gaze, knowing that the poor rabbit's head would blow off if he knew the truth. Bonnie turned back towards his blushing comrade and grew a look of revulsion.

He spoke with an accusatory hesitance. "Di…did you know about this?"

Foxy shook his head but Bonnie interrupted him as he tried to interject. "You must have known about this!"

The Puppet ran up to the spokesanimatronic and handed him another note. One quick read later and Bonnie's eyes actually popped out of his head.

"THEY'VE _RULE THIRTY-FOURED_ HIM?" He half asked half screamed.

Foxy turned towards the audience with a sickened look and addressed them in his new accent. _"I apologize Scott Cawthon…but we may have to go all terminator and kill you in the past for the greater good of humanity."_

Bonnie regained his composure but jumped back into his criticism. "I mean…HE IS A BLOODTHIRSTY ROBOT…WHO BIT SOMEONE'S FRONTAL LOBE OFF!" He glanced at the audience and began to vibrate with anger. "I mean…okay, the animal thing I can understand, to each his own and whatnot. I mean, you don't wanna know what kinda weird fetishes Chica has-" The chicken stuck her head out and gave him an indignant glare. "But he…HE'S PROBABLY COVERED IN BLOOD AND GUTS AND STALE PIZZA, AND… _HE IS A MACHINE!"_

He pressed a button and Foxy was pulled underneath the stage as he began to murmur something about normal porn for normal people.

He continued ranting as he circled the stage. "IS THIS WHAT OUR SOEICTY HAS BECOME? WHERE IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO VIEW A NIGHTMARISH FIGURE OF DEATH AND ABANDON (who is also technically a child, you _perverts_ ) SEXUALLY? SURELY YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR LIVES! I MEAN, WHAT THE (CENSORED) IS WRONG WITH YOU PEO-" Balloon boy appeared again and tugged at his leg.

Stopping mid-rant, Bonnie picked up the note and gulped. Swallowing his dignity, he glared at the child as BB giggled and disappeared.

Turning to the audience, he gulped before averting eye contact. "I have been informed by our owners that what people do in the "sanctity" of their own homes is up to them, and the important thing is to sell copies." He tried to rationalize the insanity, "I mean, it's all for charity right? Although if this is what it takes to help our fellow human beings…I cringe for the future of our lower class…"

Forcing a smile he pressed a button and watched as Toy Chica was lowered out of the ceiling in a cage. She had dressed in an even skimpier outfit, her face was modified (because apparently, no nose wasn't sexy to many folks) and she had real breasts, with the only thing hiding them being a bib which said _"Let's dance."_

Bonnie spoke in a shaky voice. "I have been informed that we are an internet phenomena and if the internet says anything about our society than we are all a bunch of thirteen-year-olds. So if we wanna make that almighty deadline…then we have to appeal to thirteen-year-olds."

Toy Chica began dancing to some stupid party song, the lyrics so bland that they defiled the meaning of individuality.

Then regular Chica ran out, and after giving her replacement a look of loathing and disgust, before turning to Bonnie. "How the f*** am I supposed to make THIS K+?"

He shrugged, "Make out with TC, maybe that'll give you the answer!"

He snapped his fingers and she transformed into a much hotter version of herself. Clearly hypnotized, she stepped into the cage and began grinding up against her shorter duplicate. Bonnie turned back to the audience, "So yeah…that's what you'll get from Five Night's at Freddy's Four: I promise this is it, chapter. We thank you in advance for your money…"

Glancing back at the two animatronics, and their increasingly erotic movements, he rubbed the back of his neck. "Are you sure you wouldn't prefer that they be huma-"

There was a resounding "NO!" from the audience, and the highly disturbed rabbit began to wish that his boss had not been vaporized.

And so the robots grinded all through the night, and many a satirical joke was made about a video game series which was at this point, worth more than the author of this fanfic. And in the end, Bonnie learned that people are a vile and detestable lot, and frankly, they deserve their self-imposed misery. And soon, everyone agreed that it was a mistake to give Purple Guy the job of the ending narration.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!


End file.
